


A Burning Star in a World of Lost Hope

by eviternalism



Series: A Court of Mist and Fury from Rhys's perspective [1]
Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: F/M, POV Rhysand (ACoTaR)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-13
Updated: 2017-09-13
Packaged: 2018-12-27 09:13:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12078081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eviternalism/pseuds/eviternalism
Summary: The first chapter of A Court of Mist and Fury from Rhysand’s perspective.





	A Burning Star in a World of Lost Hope

The dark shuddered and shook me awake.

I stared into darkness as my chest heaved, fighting for gasps of air after having dreamed I had none. With each recovering breath, I focused on easing the swirling darkness around me until it slowly began to dissipate into the cool night air. Blinking, I tried to shake away the feeling of her wretched arms grabbing me like they did in my nightmares, focusing instead on the emptiness and stillness of my room.

It disgusted me how safe and alone felt like a privilege. Waking up and not feeling Amarantha’s horrid arms pull me down, or no longer hearing her hiss for me to be quiet, was something to hope for as the darkness misted away.

Because I was afraid to wake up in a world where I was still Amarantha’s whore and I never met my mate. Waking up safe and alone meant Amarantha was gone for good. It meant my mate was alive.

“Feyre is alive”, I reminded myself in a quiet whisper, admiring the solace those words gave me. And even though she barely felt alive through our bond, even though she was betrothed to Tamlin and even though she might wish to never see me again, she was alive.

Removing myself from the blankets, I set my legs over the edge of the bed, looking at Velaris twinkle away through my window. Finally, I could breathe and any lingering haunted thoughts ceased from my mind.

Or at least, that’s what I thought until I felt something vile rise from my stomach- except it wasn’t my stomach, but Feyre’s.

I became darkness, and shadow, and faint starlight as I crept into her thoughts, desperate to do anything to make her feel better. I could summon the music of the Sidra into her thoughts or try to qualm her thoughts with the darkness that soothes, but I resisted the urge to do so, knowing she would be quick to suspect it was me and I knew for certain she wouldn’t like discovering I was in her head.

She was both emotionally and physically weak, having to face these night terrors and empty the contents of her stomach like this, it was no wonder she felt so light and empty through the bond. It made me want to summon Mor immediately so she could bring Feyre here, where I could I finally tell her everything and nurse her back to health. I wish- I _wish_ it were that easy.

I let out a low growl as I realized I was making wishes to the stars again, no better than Tamlin, who didn’t do anything to help her even though he was merely steps away.

So I did the only thing I could, which was to stay with her through the bond, so she wouldn’t be completely alone. I turned into a lingering presence in the shadows around her, a distant company she wouldn’t be neither afraid of or tempted to contemplate for too long. Slowly, I sent small bits of starlight into her heavy and swirling thoughts.

There was nothing else I could do but watch as she moved towards the only window in the bathroom, where she looked up into the night sky as if she yearned for more glimpses of the constellations above.

A ghost of a smile formed on my lips as I realised we both contemplated the same sky, both of us seeking something to soothe our nightmares and remind us this was-

 _"Real_." Her voice reverberated through the bond.

And before I could help myself, I reaffirmed it to her —to me. Real.

The tension in her body began to slip away and when she slowly opened her hand, moonlight faded into the bridge between us. I looked at her through the eye coating her palm and after a small moment, she looked back at me. As I contemplated the softness of her blue-gray eyes, I wondered if she knew I was also awake with her, that we both suffered from the same haunting nightmares.

She scowled at me.

I couldn’t decide whether I should chuckle because even her scowl was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, or if I should be glad that yes- she knew. At least I could be sure that something deep within her recognised she wasn’t alone in that moment.

The feeling of doubt, regret and an inkling of anger strummed through her emotions and through her bond. I knew it was aimed at me.

I sighed and half-heartedly decided it was time I attempted to sleep, even if it was a battle I had lost already, not unlike the battle I fought to be with my mate.

But as my head sunk into my pillow, I heard my voice echo through the bridge and the feelings of doubt, regret and anger subsided.

 _Be glad of your human heart, Feyre_. She recalled. _Pity those who don’t feel anything at all._

A sharp prick came through the bond —one I had grown accustomed to— as she made a fist and dug her nails into the tattoo, the bridge between us becoming dark and empty.

 _I wish I felt nothing._ She said in a harsh whisper and that stung more than her nails.

If only she knew I wished the same for too long. When I was trapped Under The Mountain, I wish I didn’t feel Amarantha’s body as it clung onto mine night after night, I wish I didn’t stay awake wondering if it was worth it, if my people in the City of Dreams were truly safe. I wished I felt nothing when I saw her, a broken shadow of what she was before, wasting her life away for a man who wouldn’t even try to get her out of the mountain.

I wished I felt nothing when she cried in front of me and after decades of building up against it, I felt despair like never before. My need to protect her growing so strong, that I wanted to unleash whatever power I had left to take her away from Amarantha’s grasp. But I also felt the wicked queen’s eyes upon me so I was forced to shove those emotions into the back of my mind.

I wish I felt nothing when I heard her spine crack and the world stopped. I wish I felt nothing when her body gave in and she _died_. I wish I felt nothing when I dreamed of that moment, over and over, the way I did just moments ago.

Closing my eyes, I took a small glance at the end of her bond, just to make sure she was back in her bed, still breathing, still alive. When her mind grew silent, I eased her into sleep with the darkness that soothes and sent fragments of starlight into her dreams.

It was easy to understand why she was tired of feeling so much pain, sadness, and loneliness. It killed me too.

But the world was full of people who pretended not to feel the pain of people around them, living in an artificial happiness that only benefited themselves.

She lived with pain her heart, willing to give herself up for her people. She chose that path when she could have walked away. She was a burning star in a world of lost hope.


End file.
